In my entire life, I’ve done a lot of things. Some succeed, some failed. Most of it is very similar to half boiled eggs. But frankly speaking, I’ve never regretted of any down turns. Though, my heart was broken into pieces for many reasons but it didn’t kill me. Some says, success is about how highest you will reach from the bottom. To me, the most important things are the learning process and expanding life experience. I am a daughter to the sea warrior. Surviving from the critical situation is the major fight for us. Correct, I used to be a champion to things I deserved to win but I was just a normal kid. Without the best attention from parents, I wouldn’t know how to struggle very well. A ‘spoiled brad’ maybe happened once in mylife but it didn’t prolong after the death of my parents. I have to push myself very hard suit in any kind of conditions. If I wasn’t being like that, I might be left alone from my friends or even my family. That is how I’ve been trained to gain a love and learned about flexibility.

No love as best as given by my dad. He was the simplest love I ever known. I didn’t care if he was stinking and I didn’t care if he was not handsome. I didn’t care if he kept wearing “kain pelekat’ for the whole day. I can still remember vividly the taste of his fried rice and fried chicken. The taste of his cooking was different than any other places and his fried chicken was exactly like KFC. I know, he was trying very hard to be a perfect dad and mother simultaneously. No one could ever understand about my condition whenever I was sick like he did. He knew how to take care of my sickness seriously. I think, he managed to handle my years as a stubborn teenager wisely. To me, he is the true warrior. I am inspired by him. I know only I can repay him with prayers because the world is not enough.




He has shown me that no matter how suffer memory you have in the past, you must move on. No matter how strong the wind and storm have pushed you away, you are still ought to run even with barely feet and scratched body. It reminds me of Bonjovi’s song “This romeo is bleeding but you can’t see his blood”. I knew, he had changed a lot after my mom passed away. He wasn’t dressing up well to function or even worse he was not interested to attend any functions. He was reluctant to mingle with people. He pushed away everything that he used to be. He was never being the same .I know, he was crying inside. I know he missed my mother’s cook as much as my siblings did. No one knows, if he ever cries on his lonely nights. No one does including myself. I know, my mother is everything to him. I was one of the witnesses of how love could kill and cure a man. I’ve never seen he shows any regrets but I did know he gave up life due to loneliness. The loneliness was killing him softly even we are all know that Allah is great.

I don’t want to repeat this tragedy of loneliness. For that, I don’t want to feel it at my young age. I deserve to fill up my life with love and happiness. I am not interested to keep thinking about my biggest fails and bad memories. The more it keeps lingering in mylife, the more chances I can suffer caused by cancer. Invisible pain is not showing externally but it triggers more to long illness that can put you to sleep forever.
My dad was right “Carilah sebuah kehidupan yang penuh erti” .

He wanted me to find the meaningful life so that no regrets will eat me up. The meaningful life will give a great happiness to my life in day time and satisfaction in the night time. It doesn’t have to be a mountain of money but it is enough with endless love. Cherish the life with happiness while you and your partner are still alive. Don’t let your life being alone for so long because it makes you become empty by inside and outside. Do something that makes you proud. I used to dream to help the society but I guess it wasn’t for me. I am only good with my own way to success.

It's ok to be failed on something at very young age. So that we can start the life all over again with a long duration to improve. Don't let the people be the reason for youto not be happy. They saw you being fail and messy at all time and this is not the force to make you keep failing. They maybe out from your life but it seems you and your flaws are remain. So what do you have to do next? Start your life again!

My answer: You must find the way to move on. You must go on even the whole world is leaving you. Go ahead and stay ahead. You can find the new happiness in the different way after that.




Death is vital, give up is an option but regrets can be avoided.....at least.

I miss you, Farahi.

I had 19 hours of sleeping and when I woke up, I knew that I was missing her so bad. I know the remark that I have left last year to her and ‘all of them’ will never be erased especially to Evy and Pae too. If I could turn back time, how I wish to go back to the years where nothing else matter to us but FUN.
She has been a good friend to me since I was 16 years old. She was the first who came to Hospital Kuala Lumpur to calm me down after my ayah died. She was there all the time for me, she never left me.

( I miss you Evy)




She was there for me since my secondary years, my scooter’s years, my gym’s years, my first car’s accident, my first interview as a PR, my esen’s years and she has shown me the meaning of a true friendship. To the extent, whenever I had extra money or time I would rather spend it out with her. She was everything to me. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. Her existence was more important than to have a boyfriend. She was the one who introduced me on how to have a fun life. She very understood towards my siblings’ character. She knew I will never be looking at them whenever I had trouble. No friends would sacrifice much to me as she did. She was always aware of my daily eating time. She will never leave me hunger; whenever I was sick, she will always be there to bring me to the clinic. This is because she always knew that I had nobody in this life to really care about me. This same goes to Evy and Pae.

( I miss you Abby)




In my entire life, the names that always crossed in my mind whether in good or bad times are Farahi and Abby. They knew my habits and characters well. Later then, Farahi had introduced me another comfort zone for me and she was Evy and Pae. Without Farahi, how was I supposed to know them? She was the comfort zone creator for me. I wonder, what is she doing now? How is her second baby in her tummy? I still remember vividly that I always had an early dinner with her and AU2, Keramat. I was very caring about her eating habit during her first pregnancy. I always talked to her unborn baby ‘ ADAM’ those days. How badly I wanted to see him. I really want to hear he mentions my name “ Untie Yus”. I think, I will not have a chance to hear that and same goes to Abby's Junior ( Aryan) Evy’s junior ( Qaseh) and Pae’s son (Ali). Those lovely kids, I know they will never know my name. I just gone with the wind.

( I miss you , pae)

I guess, that’s who I am The Wind That Passes By. I know, I deserve it after all I have done. Tapi aku sangat rindu korang sume.  Macam mana nak hilangkan sume ni.



Tolonglah Kembali :(

If you ever read this someday soon. Please listen to this song, a song that I love to sing everytime with you guys. " Strangers In the night"

This is a story of discovering one delicious cupcake which I have found it not very long ago. I can’t tell more about this but to bake it is something I want to do very soon. I have to ask around about the right recipe of it because the ingredients are not so difficult to get.

Candyman is coming back to Kuala Lumpur soon. He sounded not so sad after leaving Setiu. I hope everything is fine because I have lot of plans in my mind. Yesterday, I had a ‘ yummy’ conversation with Noor. She is my housemate in my flying academy. She was telling me about the baking things. I told her, my mother was the great baker. Unfortunately, only my sister ( Eta) has managed to get the baking skill from my mother. Me, I am very keen to cook local dishes more and my favourites are masak lemak cili api and asam pedas.. I think I am more flexible now; I would like to expand my skill in cooking.

Last month me and candyman went up to Genting Highland and there was a bakery shop facing the fountain just in front of the Hotel Genting. I ate a strawberry cheese cupcake. I was savouring the taste for each and every layer of it. I was mesmerized with the taste until not aware of what candyman was saying. I was very delighted that night. It was a return trip that I won’t forget. As a result, I must try to bake it on one fine day. I am planning to go to that bakery again early next month. I really want to have a bite of it again then take away some. I’ve never had a chance to snap a picture on that night and now I am browsing via google the exact picture of a Strawberry Cheese Cupcake with Strawberry Cream Cheese. I’ve been searching it since this afternoon but none of it was the real one.



One thing I can share here is the difference angles of it. I don’t have an oven but my sister has. Anyhow, she is staying quite far in Rawang and I don’t think it worthwhile to go just to bake a cake or cupcakes. The best is I will save some my money so by June I can buy an oven, a small one can do. I don’t expect the big because I am still amateur level in baking. So what would be the first one, absolutely my one and only Strawberry Cheese Cupcake with Strawberry Cream Cheese. YUMMY!

Do you want some? Here is the recipe based on Strawberry Cheesecake.

Today is another lazy day for me. Candyman is still at Setiu, Terengganu. He is having his time well by waking up late like 12pm in the AFTERNOON. I know he is very happy to be there with the family around. I am terribly missing Candyman now . Wish i could fly there and give him a hug . What a lame story I write now!

It is 2.05pm and I am still not shower. I wonder what would be the time I will get shower ? 4.05? Or 4.30? I think I will get shower soon after I’m done with this blog writing. Renni called me this morning, she was babbling about my “ Mini Big Day” which will be by this end of year. ‘ Cross Finger’. She was telling me to not overspend and overdo for that day. It will be wasteful if I don’t be careful in planning it. Well, I think she was right. But whatever it is I have to discuss with Candyman about this because it relates to his and mine financial. So far, he is kind of happy with the Engineering Firm that he’s been working for right now. But , do I ever get a chance to have a customade ring for that Mini Big Day if he is still work for this company? . Will I ever get one of it for my Mini Big Day? I asked Renni what is the cost of that customade ring and she said:


Renni: The ring is RM 3700, Yus.
Me: GULP! What? RM3700. Hahahah I don’t think he affords it. I don’t think so.
Renni: Ubai said the ring should be a special one. So that’s why he did it that way.
Me: Herm….hahahahha I don’t think I will go for that.


I have to get my feet close to the ground now. Unless he manages to get a job at any oil field’s firm, then I can propose something luxury. Anyhow, am I worth for a cheap sale ring? I am expecting two rings, perhaps I should think twice in selecting the brand. In that case, one of the rings can be a Habib Jewel. NOT BOTH! Well it is still early of the year; I have 8 months to go. What matter most now is the MONEY. No money, no talk . As usual, I want that day to be remembered. I want it to be happening, simple yet beautiful .


Happening = Good food with joy. People are happy with laughter.
Simple = Not a luxury event.
Beautiful = Smell good with roses everywhere.

"Darling I'm kill , I'm in puddle on the floor , Waiting for you to return
Oh what a trill , Vacillations good lord .How to tease ,How you leave me to burn,It's so deadly my dear, The power of wanting you near" - Sheryl Crow


This could be my last time to talk about it and i have to put it in writing. I’ve been taking the wrong way in appreciating this love. You don’t know how much I care of you inside. I hope you know how much i love you. You always say, I am blind to see the good things and love you have showered to me. I guess you are just too far to aware that I’ve been talking about you in every conversation I have with my close friends and family. What you have done last night was something unspeakable by me. I felt the guiltiness since you drove away from me then left me cold alone.

Your name will never be erased from my heart and lips. You are just too good to be true to me now. I am starting to feel that I am not a good girl fro you. You are just blown away by people then you scared to death to love me as the way I want to be treated. In the end, I am suffering more than you do. Tell me how to deal with it. It’s like drug now, I am addicted to it. I don’t know how to stop from eagering. I am scared too.

If I don’t appreciate you, I wouldn’t be RISK everything for you.

You gave the pleasure to this relationship and now you intend to carry it away from me. Then indirectly push me to stop. Well, I don’t know how to stop the pressure. You were humiliating me every time you neglected my desire. It is very plain to see that I am so into you but again you were kept saying I am too blind to see what you have done. I am so ashamed with myself. The more you say - I did just to satisfy you, the more I feel the guiltiness. I need to walk away from all this now. I must walk away before it kills me inside.




I know my weakness point now.

I dont know what else to do except walk away from your side for a while. I need to neutralise everything now because it makes me angry everytime you reject it. I can’t control it anymore. I wish you could help me to cure this. I don’t know..... I don’t know how. Allah please help me! What is happening to me now? Ya Allah....

Please forgive me darling, I believe this is the best way. Should we break up for our own goodness because i think u deserve better? But is it fair to our love, why we must murder it because of our selfishness. Owh, i dont know....I dont know what to do...i dont know...but my heart says one thing for sure , i should try to be my own without you.

I dont know whether you allow me to be with my own until I’m done. But I must try.

Yes! I am scared with myself, i dont believe myself everytime we together. The humiliation gives me madness and rage. I can't do this anymore. I have to go for awhile until we both find back the same way. There is nothing to be discussed upon this issue because it is too personal to be spoken.

Please let me go, I can't control it for now. Maybe without you, it will get my feet on the ground back. I am scared to be rejected again. I can't take it anymore. It humiliated me so bad. I dont want to be angry with you again. It hurts me everytime I hurt you with my attitude .I hope you know that.

I am sorry.

Have a safe journey to east coast tonight. Goodbye.

I couldn’t believe what happened to my self at last weekend. It was the most awesome weekend I ever had. Thank you to my love for spending the night to celebrate the belated birthday's dinner for both of us. We both CAPRICORNS! It was something I ever aimed " Hope it remains till the end'. Yes, It ruled my emotion and put me to the bottom line of knowing what love does. I was wishing for the best but the best is seemed not right to be done sometimes. Nevertheless, It satisfied ME! I hope it won’t give me so much of regrets. Was I transforming so unusual or was I too curious to explore things? Some says love conquers all but what happens when it makes nothing else matter? It takes years to build up a trust but it can be tarnished in 10 seconds. Every day, I am getting deeper to the same shit story and away from the line of trustworthy. If Alice could escape herself from the unwilling marriage arrangement then she got lose in the world of her own but eventually she survived. Am I going to have the same chance like Alice in the wonderland? I must survive!

It’s scary when you are getting deeper to the fantasy. I am scared that one day I have a nerve to reveal everything and the scariest thing that hard to believe is I lose the one I love. Last night, I watched a movie “From Paris With Love” and the last part of the movie was touching my heart when John Rys Meyers tried to give a last chance to a character named Caroline. He said something brilliantly right before he shot Caroline : “Nothing else matter in this world ! Nothing else but LOVE”

My friends use to tell me that “ Jangan berdrama dalam hidup, Yus” I heard this when I was 26 years old . Evy said to everyone that “Never starts the game with a man because it will eat up in the end”. I think she was right! I have seen many similar cases have ended with discomfort one. Thus, we should never start the flame if we never meant to burn it right. If you chose to be fire then keep being friend with the flame without secret but if you chose to be water then stop the flame before it gets worst. As you see, whichever action that you may take will be stopped in a good way. It’s not the result that you should be waited but the correct process that you must take by now.

So where I am now?

I fall too down and I don’t know how to stop the falling. I have no answer to all this shit but I have a right to tell that I wasn’t aware that it would prolong until today. I wish I could stop from telling it and be brave to walk away. Anyhow, I don’t think by running away will solve the issue especially things that relate to the feelings and life. Sometimes the right is NOT THE BEST. What I should do now? I am so lost in my own fantasy and I don’t know how to get out of it. I can’t simply tell everything, that’s insane! One thing for sure is I will lose the respect from everybody and it will kill my spirit to double up my effort in realising ‘IT’. I am not making any drama, NO! I am not a Drama Queen but I am the law of attraction. I can get what I want. I CAN GET WHAT I WANT IN THIS LIFE! No one could ever change it. I am happy for what I have now it just that ‘ONE’. Impossible is nothing!

From the book of “THE SECRET”
Whatever is going on in your mind is what you are attracting. Thoughts that bring about good feelings mean you are on the right track. Thoughts that bring about bad feelings means you are not on the right track.

I am still finding the BEST way!